How Millennials Are Killing Businesses and Things We Love

With smartphones in their hands and bloodlust in their hearts, millennials are dealing death blows to businesses, products, and even concepts right and left — at least, according to Twitter.

According to analysis released Monday by Brandwatch, users have tweeted that “millennials are killing” something over 1,500 times since the beginning of 2017. Topping the list of millennial victims is “chain(s),” which presumably refers to chain stores and restaurants, at a little over 450 mentions. Famous chains like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebees also receive specific shoutouts.

And can it be mere coincidence that Nasdaq published an article advising stockholders to sell their shares in Buffalo Wild Wings on Tuesday, the day after this Twitter data was compiled and released?

This reporter thinks not.

According to these rankings, millennials are also killing diamonds, malls, and lunch. Brandwatch touches on the reason for this in their analysis: “It would be great to buy homes or eat out every night but financial hardship means they can’t.” Millennials are not in the market for diamonds because millennials sometimes spend an extra five minutes in CVS wondering if body wash is actuallyworth it.

Beer also comes in surprisingly high on the list of things that millennials are killing, due to both their preference for wine and their search for “quality, authenticity, and new experiences” outside of large beer brands like Anheuser-Busch and Pabst.

And, by the way, millennials are killing this stuff, too

In the past couple years, the millennial generation has been accused of killing off the entire golf industry, the concept of work/life balance, traditional marketing tactics like focus groups, and dinner dates.

But there’s more: millennials also have blood on their hands regarding paper napkinsrunning for sportbars of soapin-person conversations, sex, marriage, monogamy, “safe sex,” and cheating on one’s spouse.

Millennials also reportedly hate vacations, wine bottles they can’t twist open, like Philistines, the oil industry, traditionally owning a carHarley-Davidson bikeslife insurancefabric softenerthe lotterycerealcable channelsBig Macs, and cruise ships. Oh, and the generation also hates guns that aren’t in video games and hiring a good old-fashioned stripper for their buddy’s bachelor party.

But, ultimately, as most analysis concludes, this millennial murder spree is nothing new — it’s just the market talking, baby! And as millennials come of age and begin earning their own capital, it’s about time that companies start listening.

American Millennials Are The Most Useless Population On Earth, According To A New Study

There’s a new study to bum millennials out: apparently, they’re the most useless population in the entire world.

The study, put out by nonprofit Educational Testing Service (ETS), looked at millennials’ skillz — specifically, it compared their abilities in literacy, numeracy (the ability to apply math to everyday situations), and “problem-solving in technology-rich environments” to those of their international peers. And, surprise, surprise, they didn’t stack up well against the rest of the world.

These findings hold true when looking at millennials overall, our best performing and most educated, those who are native born, and those from the highest socioeconomic background. Equally troubling is that these findings represent a decrease in literacy and numeracy skills for U.S. adults when compared with results from previous adult surveys.

Translation (because I’m doing my darnedest to show off my own ability to function and contribute here): millennials from all educational and socioeconomic backgrounds are useless. They’re even useless when compared with older generations of American adults.

A few facts from the report to show just how bad millennials fare compared to the rest of the world:

  • They scored lower than 15 of the 22 participating countries in literacy.
  • They  ranked last, along with Italy and Spain, in numeracy.
  • They  also ranked last in PS-TRE (use your skills to figure out what that means, please), along with the Slovak Republic, Ireland, and Poland

Here’s another fun fact: even the top-performing (90th percentile or greater) U.S. millennials didn’t do all that great compared to the rest of the world — they still managed to score lower than the top performers in 15 of the 22 participating countries, only scoring higher than their peers in Spain. As for the bottom-of-the-barrel millennials (10th percentile or lower), they ranked last, along with Italy and England/Northern Ireland, scoring lower than millennials in 19 participating countries. If you’re under 34 and can’t track this, here’s what it means: Millenials Suck.

And just to add to the troubling data, the gap between those top performers and bottom performers — 139 points — was higher than the gap in 14 of the participating countries, and pretty darn close to the gap in the remaining countries. Which means that they’ve got a pretty big inequality problem on their hands, as well.

The really funny thing is that practice questions for the test are available online…and they’re actually pretty ridiculously easy. As in, “read this temperature gauge” easy. As BroBible’s Cass Anderson writes, “What gives?”

*This is a study. It found what it found, and American millennials can only shrug and laugh. Anecdotally, however, we find American millennials to be wildly creative, bold in their ambitions, weird in all the right ways, and full of fascinating solutions to difficult trivial problems.

U.S. Demand For Coffee At A Record High Thanks To Millennials

I don’t know what you picture when you heard the word “millennial,” but me, I just imagine a crowd of companies and brands trailing behind someone, begging them to buy whatever it is they’re selling. One product that doesn’t need to chase the younger set is coffee, demand for which is expected to reach a record high in this country.

Americans are getting a taste for coffee at an earlier age, and not only that, young adults are drinking enough of the stuff on daily basis to make up for older people who have may have cut back, Bloomberg reports.

Not only is the 19- to 34-year-old set swilling coffee about 44% of the coffee consumed in the U.S., according to researcher Datassential, they’re seeking out caffeine earlier in life: adults born after 1995 started drinking coffee at 14.7 years old, while those born closer to 1982 first sipped the stuff around 17.1 years old, the group said.

While demand is going up, supply is tightening amid drought in Brazil, sending prices for arabica to their highest point since February 2015 last week.

Demand “has been running well above expectations, thereby tightening coffee markets significantly,” Harish Sundaresh, a portfolio manager and commodities analyst, told Bloomberg.